First day of the rest of my life

Tomorrow is the first day of my new life.
I graduated college last week, and have been lucky to have a job to go into using my degree.
Im nervous, i feel like im going to my first day of school!
I dont know what to wear, im about to go hit up a few stores to see if i can find something that just makes me feel pretty.
Im excited for so many reasons, besides the fact that ill be working again. Its a new start, i can meet new people and perhaps find better friends than what ive been dealing with lately.
Interacting with more people gives a greater chance for me to meet a new guy, and i need to find a man in my life.
I dont even have good shoes to wear!!!

I DID IT!!!

This weekend was my graduation from college with a B.S. in Management/Human Resources.
I started in June 2006 with a little nudge from a manager I had. Now here I am 5 years later and im finally done.

Im thrilled! At first, I was feeling like the ceremony wasnt a big deal. But closer to the actually day of the graduation, i started to get nervous and anxious.

My mother lives up here, along with one of my sisters and her 4 kids.
My cousin and baby sister live in Springfield. They have two kids each. All the family was there, although late to the start of the graduation ceremony, but there none the less.

Regardless of the hassles that came with this weekend, and having 14 of my family members in my apartment...

I graduated, 11 years after my high school graduation, but i still have that piece of paper.

My week, in short

Being unemployed does not lead for an interesting life.
Quite boring if you ask me.
But the relaxation time before starting the new job is probably worth it.

Wednesday, Kohls had a 50% off sale on dresses, and while i did not need to spend any more money, i did need a dress for my college graduation next month.
I did manage to get a very nice Croft & Barrow black and white scroll dress, for only $22. I also grabbed a couple suit type jackets which I will need at the new corporate job.

Today, I drove 40 miles to another city to get a refund for my GAP insurance from my old vehicle. (Oh, i bought a new car. 2005 honda accord ex coupe) I thought i would get the check right then but apparently its a 6-8 wek mailer.
I also had dinner with my mom, sister and the 4 kids. That was an interesting adventure.

This weekend im going to go to Springfield to see some family and friends for a few days.

What do you do

When the man of your dreams says the most romantic thing you have ever heard, yet he only sees you as a friend and only meant it as something he would say to his best friend.

Today, my best friend/man of my dreams sent me a text.
"Youre important to me like peanut butter is to jelly. Sure, you can have just one of the two on a sandwich but they are so much better when the other is present. We would do "ok" without each other, but even if we decided to just talk every once in a while, the distance between you and i would never get so far that we just stopped talking. It would stop at a certain point where we both wouldnt let it get that bad."

How does this man not have romantic feelings towards me.

I told him I appreciate the sentiment but that he should keep speeches like that for his gf. He didnt understand so i tried to explain it the best i could.
"while your mother told you to find a wife with hips, mine was telling me that i shouldnt pick someone because i feel that i need them in my life as i do not NEED anyone. but to pick someone because with them you are a better person than you already were, because they compliment you"
The peanut butter to my jelly.

God has a sense of humor. To give me someone whom i cant have.

Being an Adult

Why is it so much harder to make friends as an adult than as a child?
Not to mention making female friends...

Its not as if i can walk up to a girl somewhere and say "wanna play"
Or ask a girl to "be my friend" at the bar...

Dont get me wrong, i manage to talk to females in various places, but none of the conversations end up with the whole "lets get together and see if we could be friends" vibe.

I think my desire to have a boyfriend, steams from not having a best friend. Someone to feel close to, to trust, to tell all my secrets to. (besides strangers in a blog)

Everyone says join a group, or club, or something. The sad part is im afraid of doing stuff alone, so joining a group to meet new people is harder to do alone.

Maybe im crazy.

Its good to spoil yourself

I bought a kindle.

Thought about it for well over a month, as i hate spending more than $100 on one item.
I stared at Amazon, Target, Best Buy... all the while considering the purchase.
Finally, i hunted one down and decided to buy in store vs online just for convenience. First thing i did was download some freebies of course, and found a few on sale for 99 cents. which made me click happy!

I ended up spending 6 hours reading one book and just let my afternoon fade away.

So far, im really thrilled with my purchase. I have yet to find a case i love...
And if anyone has any suggestions for low-cost books that are great reads please dont hesitate to let me know.

Book Review: Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert

Ive never done a book review before, Ive never wanted to review a book. Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert is a book EVERYONE should read.
While i know that is an opinion, I also feel this is fact.

The only thing that made me interested in this book, and i mean the ONLY thing, was that she lived in Italy for a good portion of this book. That is the only reason i bought this.
It was so good, i bought another copy for my cousin. I just want to say ive never bought a book for someone that they didnt specifically ask for.

This book made me look deep inside myself and evaluate me. It made me think about me. It made me feel good, and feel sad, and feel alone and content.... all at the same time. I can honestly say, i found a small amount of peace in my life from reading this book.

Id also like to point out that i never quote anything, but i constantly find myself remembering sentences or events from the book without realizing that its from there.
Tonight, im writing my blog and talking about how love stinks. And i recall a phrase that talks about how all life disagreements can be attributed to two reasons.

"I met an old lady once, almost a hundred years old, and she told me, 'There are only two questions that human beings have ever fought over, all through history. How much do you love me? And Who's in charge?" 
— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)


While you might not completely agree with this, the sentence alone makes you think. 
This whole book makes you think, and ponder events in the world, in your life, in general. And i said ponder, not analyze. 


I want to be as brave as this person, to do something alone. Im struggling just to go out and find new friends alone. Lets not mention how spaztic i got when i decided to go out to eat dinner at TGIF alone.... completely alone.


I will probably never see the movie, just because i know it will take away the parts that i love about this movie.
I also wanted to link this webpage that shows different quotes from the book, even reading some of them makes you want to read more.


And not to plug, but i thought i would link the book, just in case someone wanted to check it out. 

Things get worse before they get better...

My aversion to writing is that i feel i do not express myself very well.
Maybe its because i read so many blogs and tend to compare myself. Or even that i read my friends writings and feel that they are better versed that i could ever be.
Perhaps, i just try too hard to be something im not.

Last night, my sister and i got into an argument. While im sure it wasnt so much the subject of this particular fight, but more a final straw on the camels back, im still sad that it came to this. The end result of the fight was me  washing my hands of her and her drama.
Hopefully this will be for the best, or maybe she will open her eyes and change some things in her life.

Today, my doctor called me about some test results. While im not going to share the subject on here at the moment, i thought the conversation was worth talking about.
The conversation basically was the Nurse Practitioner telling me that the doctor would like to schedule a follow up. Not unusual to receive that call, but the reason was because my test results were "off," who uses the words "off" to describe test results. High, Low, Good, Bad; these are all great adjectives to describe test results. "off" is not something one expects to hear.

Im slightly worried about the discussion, but slightly happy to hear that there is an explanation.
I guess i will know more on friday.

Last night, I laid in bed not being able to sleep, so i decided to find a journal and start writing there. Perhaps ill do this on top of my blog, but i had thoughts running around in my head so fast that needed to get out.
I wrote about a guy.
I wrote about how i met him, and how he makes me feel, and how i love him but he feels nothing for me.
Life kind of blows when it comes to love.

New year, Old habits

So,
I disappeared last year. I couldnt get into the habit of writing, im not a natural writer.
But, life has got me down lately and a writer friend of mine suggested I try again as it helps her get things out.
What do i have to lose???

So dear world....
I want to put my thoughts and feelings out there in the universe. In hopes that it helps me as a person.
Im sad.
Im very sad.
Life is not bad, its actually pretty decent.
So why am I not happy.
Most of my sadness has to do with other people, not so much myself.
My family, my sister and mother who never call me unless they need something from me.
My friend J, who im completely in love with and want to spend the rest of my life with and who only sees me as his best friend.
My friend relationships, I seem to have less people in my friendship circle, and none who i see on a regular basis. Most people I know think this is normal, but im a highly social person and not having people to be around drives me nuts.

As stupid as it is to want this. I really just wish i could wake up and everything be fixed, even if in some magical way.
Thats not realistic, but until i figure out how to make myself happy and get the balls to do it.... its all i have.

So, Im going to try to write again.